April 11



By nick

April 11, 2021

An unwelcome threat surrounds me as I open my eyes, it’s early morning… all hope I had crushed, the unwelcome threat had not forgotten to visit this day. Within 30 seconds my feet touch the softness of my rug, I quickly place my feet into my slippers, “RUN!” screams my mind, my heart beating crazily in my chest, my head in a spin .. I’m about to wet myself…..or so I think!
I return to my room, draw the blinds, sunlight enters and still I am shaking ….. I’m not cold, I’m scared! … I want to carry on running but instead, I sit on my comfy chair, my heart skipping beats, my breath short, my mind still spinning with wild and crazy notions!
“DON’T PULL AGAINST THIS,” I tell myself…… “Accept this … Allow this anxious feeling … there is no tiger… you’re not going to die!”
Why is this happening to me? I’m just a normal person, nothing out of the ordinary….but the more I question the unwelcome threat the more it ROARS!
My next move … I pick up my phone and head for the sitting room … the sun so beautiful and bright surrounds me and yet I’m still shaking, GOOGLE quick! … YOUTUBE now! … MEDITATION for stress relief! … I close my eyes … within ten minutes I’m calmer, I can now get dressed and my day can begin.
As long as my day has no mountains to climb I will be ok!
I will not have a panic attack, I will not embarrass myself, people will not ask “Are you ok” or looking at me pitifully as if I am a victim, my only role is one of normality… but inside I’m dying… I don’t know how much more I can take, listening to people some happy, some sad … talking, talking, talking!
Tuesday phew!!!!
I will talk, she will listen and everything will be ok … RIGHT?
The unwelcome threat will disappear, I will tell her stuff I don’t like to talk about, but I must if I am to heal … “RIGHT?”
No work today….. it”s beach day …. headphones on, 70″s music playing and I close my eyes … the sea is a beautiful blue and the sun is blazing, healing my tiredness ?I wish the normality I’m gradually feeling will carry on into the night and then into the next morning but the unwelcome threat is unkind…. playing tricks with my body and mind.
I open my eyes and for a few seconds I can’t hear the roar, the unwelcome threat no more….. and then “BAM!!!”
My body rattles like never before, Accept and allow these anxious thoughts, that’s the only way, don’t pull against them you are safe … I tell myself … these are just thoughts … they can’t harm you!!. Within ten minutes I’m feeling calmer, but the butterflies are in my stomach and they will not stop flickering … I tell myself I’m not scared … I’m excited, and yet I’m petrified. I’m hoping for some normality … and then I stop and wonder to myself … what normality? … I am surrounded by normality, What I’m suffering is very normal, for thousands of people all over the world. We need to talk, We need to listen, We need to never judge and we never say “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER !”.
No different to Thursday, I’m not sure if I can face today, Customers coming in … some are happy, some are angry, some are suffering like me … but I’m not supposed to know, they hide it well, as well as I do.
I just want to put my arms around each and every one of them, and tell them that the “UNWELCOME THREAT IS NOTHING BUT A LIE”
The unwelcome threat is nothing but a figment of our imagination and when we learn to let it go…. it will weaken and DIE!!!

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